Around fourteen years ago (being written on Feb 5, 2024), I felt an extreme dispassion and disgust towards life. I also felt an urge to study Jyotish (Indian astronomy and astrology) and Tantra (Indian Occult). In the starting two years it could easily have been diagnosed as something psychological if not a psychiatric disorder.
I never imagined that I was headed towards a very different journey. The starting four years were excruciating. These included tenancies of self-harm and a lack of feeling of self-worth and one day suddenly everything was bright again. Over time layers of depth opened up. The most significant event was a particular night. It was 11:15 PM on Dec 28, 2015. Kundalini flowed through me. It is a once-in-a-lifetime experience like having your first orgasm which came as a surprise.
Let me explain what Kundalini is and what it feels like. Unlike how others mention it, the Kundalini does not feel pleasurable. It feels like something external taking control of your body. It’s chaotic, powerful and wild. It also does not feel like possession, you are in control. It is something like a fireman handling a firehose but it is inside your body. It is intentionless and propertyless energy. Just like orgasm, it is not the same second time. You expect it. Some people get to know of it somehow, and then they plan for it but again it’s not the same when you know about it. It’s just different when you do not expect it. It was so feral and overwhelming that I had to get help from experts to contain it. I will explain more about it in the coming time but I can say that it leaves you with a wonder that there is something that you could have died without experiencing and other people don’t even have a clue of its existence.
It doesn’t bring you anything good in the beginning but it can make bad things happen, initially. It’s like giving a knife to a toddler. Over time it becomes approachable and accessible by understanding but you surely will get a few cuts while trying to understand it. It is the reason why people look for a Guru. A capable Guru is very well needed for it too but give up the idea you will find a Guru. You need a type of Guru that is only for you. You need a Guru that is like a dedicated parent. A Guru with a “world view” and with multiple disciples will cause hindrance in your progress, if not serve as an impediment. You can damage yourself along the way where you will have no chance to recover and it can even harm you for lifetimes, not just this life. Seeing my initial four years made me so desperate that I just wanted an escape and the Kundalini could only serve well with such a person. Kundalini came to me like that only. Kundalini made me too desperate and then came in. A Guru must place you before his existence then only one can help another when Kundalini is considered. Once Kundalini comes in one can no longer be an atheist, unless of course one considers oneself psychologically unstable.
Another type of entity that can help you on this path is one that constantly tells you to not go on further. Kundalini is a brake-less car on a frictionless surface. Once it goes no one can stop it, even handling the direction is hard. You need someone to constantly remind you, DO NOT ACCELERATE. It’s the only thing needed from such an entity.
After some time, slowly but surely, you will have Siddhis. Now there is this idea that Siddhis are something that constitutes supernatural or paranormal abilities. I will not deny that claim but Siddhis could even give you something small yet elegant like beautiful handwriting or an astute perception and attraction towards beauty. It can make you feel content and happy. Let me explain this a bit. You have life energy flowing in you that is why you are alive. If it stops, it causes Samadhi, silence, death or coma-like states. If it flows subtly, it can cause love, beauty, cunning or similar states. If it flows forcibly, it can cause damage or change in your body. These things are very dynamic and can not be measured. Kundalini is a way you can voluntarily change your existence. It is also to be remembered that one can not have everything, a slim person can not be a fat person. Choices, alignments and sacrifices are to be made. Generally, people do a lot of preparation towards Siddhis and use them for their needs. There is nothing bad about these. There are actions and consequences. All these people who say that you do not need Siddhis, well such people either never have been in a scenario of need or had been forcibly castrated out of desire. Siddhis help you to make your life easy and beautiful. These help you in certain ways, so you can spend time on other things of value.
After Siddhis comes an understanding of what is around us. I will need several hours to explain it but here I will explain it briefly. It is a realization that I am not alone. A child is born and is brought up like he is king of the world. He is pampered and a single drop of tear is handled like something very serious has happened. Similar exclusivity is felt in the initial phases of Sadhna. You are curious, exploring, free and pampered but over time you have to realize that there are several like you. Everyone has their intentions. Some are minding their own business, some are enjoying their journey, some are good and helpful and a very big part of these relationships are transactional. You do this for me and I will do this for you. It is all natural. Scientifically, there are four main symbiotic relationships: mutualism, commensalism, parasitism, and competition. Both benefit one another, one is benefited and another has no impact, one is benefited and another one is harmed, and both are competing. You are not alone and you are not the only type of being. You have to find your place in this world. If you go in a dark alley, you can get robbed, kidnapped or killed, or nothing could happen. It all depends on the area you are exploring. Making the right decisions that all we have to learn.
In my life, the first step was depression, the second one was Kundalini, the third one was Siddhis, the fourth one was understanding of surroundings and the fifth one was the realization of the goal. See people have their ideals and gods. People think that Jesus, Krishna, Buddha or other entities of their preference are the epitome of life. See, once upon a time we all used to think that our caretakers were the most powerful beings in the world. Over time, we grew out of this feeling. Similarly, if we explore a bit more these perceptions about these epitomes might change. We live in a very unstable world, so I will choose my words wisely. God is something beyond one’s perception and certainly is powerful. Let’s say somehow we were able to bring God into some form of measurement then we could realize something more about God. So in my measurement, all these entities sitting on their mountains came into the resolution of my measurements. This is my personal opinion that these entities are not the epitome for me. Even Gods are not that fantastic, once one can see their expanse. I will not shove this thought down your throats but once we can see past the horizon the perception changes. They will always remain excellent, powerful and maybe respectable too but they might not be infinite, omnipotent and omnipresent any more.
My goal is exclusive to my existence and depends upon the current understanding which came out of my explorations. This is not your goal. In my life, I outgrew my clothes multiple times. Similarly, I outgrew my ideals and Gods along the way. I am walking towards my goal and that’s it.